We walked in with nervous excitement. The three of us were quiet, feeling out the situation, unsure of what we were about to partake in. And then, before the other participants had arrived, it started.

My two sons were turning 13, teenagers, and were not only about to learn how to be a blacksmith, they were about to get a lesson in an unfortunate reality that occurs when a group of men, strangers, get together.

Another man, also there with his son, got it started. He boldly approached the instructor and started asking questions and telling stories and making comments to let everyone there know that he had done this before and knew what he was doing.

The instructor powered up, telling more stories, talking about society and parenting and sharing his strong opinions, projecting a stern and crotchety “I know it all, and you don’t” sort of attitude to everyone. He’d then smile to smooth it over.

Another man offered a swift wisecrack, obviously aware that he wouldn’t get to the top of this mountain, but wanting to win the other men’s approval and find his place to fit in.

The three boys simply stood there, quietly, making themselves small, completely outmatched and without a place. They all powered down, having no idea how to interact in this scenario.

The crusty instructor launched into another cantankerous diatribe…

This all happened before the fire even got started.

I leaned in and whispered in my sons’ ears, “Remind me later to talk about the concept of d*ck measuring with you.” They turned with a confused look on their face- likely because they’ve never heard me use that word before. I don’ t use it lightly, but when appropriate. A few hours later, on the way to eat lunch, I brought it up and explained what had happened.

When men, particularly men who aren’t familiar with each other, get together, this sizing up almost always happens. It actually happens with women too, but that’s another conversation. If you can step back and be an observer in these situations, insecurities are on full display. The men who are most insecure are both the loudest, and quietest. They either make themselves big and take up a lot of space, or make themselves small in order to not be seen.

As middle schoolers, this is a daily interaction my boys face in the locker room for gym class. You probably remember it. Some boys are loud and obnoxiously goofing off in their underwear, while others are trying to climb into a locker to hide while they change clothes. Both groups are desperately insecure.

It’s probably a regular occurrence for you- in your work meetings, the gym, or even at church. Sometimes church is the worst, as pharisees are often the least secure.

A secure man doesn’t need to take up more space, nor less. He has kind eyes, doesn’t put others down, or build himself up. He is generous, curious, and comforting. He encourages men, he asks questions, and he can laugh. His relaxed confidence is contagious. As he holds his own space, he empowers others to hold their own. Because he is secure, he doesn’t have to worry about comparing himself to other men, or how they might compare themselves to him. He is free.

How do you experience d*ck measuring? How do you engage in it? Do you power up or power down? How might you exercise confidence and security?

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Cody Buriff, Chief of Resources and Experiences