Love Over Fear: My latest tattoo

Last week, our team participated in our first “Day with the Lord retreat,” in which we independently scheduled a full day and overnight somewhere local to us and spent the day in prayer, reading, and whatever we decided would be connecting us with God. The desire in this is to keep us each, and as a team, in tune with what he is up to.

I spent 2 nights and the day at a place called the Springs here in Indiana- a neat place away from civilization that was created specifically for this kind of thing. They have a small chapel (it would feel crowded to have 20 people in there), a labyrinth, some small cabins, a pond, and miles of hiking trails. As it was freezing out, I mostly stayed in my cabin, but visited the chapel by my self a few times. They also had pretty much zero cell signal, and intentionally no wifi.

It was towards the end of this day that something struck me deeply enough to instigate an uncharacteristically spontaneous action: the next morning, I got a tattoo. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

It wasn’t even part of my planned reading or prayer time. I had brought along a Ted Dekker novel to read in case I found myself needing some form of entertainment. But God showed up in that story.

You see, our marriage has been in a rough spot for over a year now. And I have too. I’ve probably been depressed for over 18 months (hard to remember now), until I recently got on some medication that really flipped a switch for me.

I think it started when I really tapped into some less obvious, yet painful, parts of my story. Cracking open that door led to me actually FEELING the pain. Grief hit me- both grief over what was, as well as what is and what will very likely always be. And what happens when we feel pain? Often we get protective- which can look like anger or isolation. Better to be alone and not get hurt again, than to be with others and get stabbed, right?

No, not really. What God spoke to me in reading that novel was that I’ve been living and acting from a place of fear. Multiple times the Bible encourages us “Do not be afraid” or “Fear not” and even says that “There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear.”(1 John 4).

There is a part of me that has misapplied and perverted this a bit over the last year, especially in darker moments, thinking that if my wife would just love me, maybe I wouldn’t be afraid. It isn’t hard to see how that is upside down.

What is true is that I’ve been acting out of fear, not love. Fear isn’t generous, isn’t kind, and isn’t patient. 1 Corinthians 13 says, “4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

While I’ve been acting from a place of fear of getting hurt, I’ve been the opposite of loving in every way. For some reason, that hadn’t clicked in my head until last Thursday night. And so I decided that a concrete, permanent reminder was needed. Something significant, that would help me rewire my thinking, and never forget.

Normally I think about tattoos for weeks, or even years, before getting them. I only had 3, and two of them are close to 20 years old, so I’m not one to go spend the money on a permanent body modification willy-nilly. But the initiative was really strong, and so I opened the door to it and started walking.

Friday morning I still felt the resolve, but hadn’t yet landed the plane on what to get. I was chewing on some Celtic knots. Specifically the Love Knot, and the Solomon Knot. But the love knot is generally about two people loving each other, and the solomon knot is about a connection with the Divine. So I ended up combining the ideas into a version of both in one.

But I still wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. So I set some checkpoints in place. Normally you have to schedule out several days or weeks to get a tattoo. And normally they are more expensive than I want to pay. So I decided that if they had space for a walk-in immediately, and if it was a specific dollar amount, I would move forward and make it happen. And guess what? They had immediate space, and quoted me the exact dollar amount I had in my head. “Ok, I guess I’m getting a tattoo this morning.” I thought.

Did I mention I didn’t tell my wife until after the fact? Also not normal for me. And yes, she was surprised, and still probably isn’t sure what to think. As it is healing several days later, I still can hardly believe that I did something that spontaneous and permanent. But I don’t regret it. I needed something to mark a shift in myself, and thus far it has proven to be the reminder that I need.

“Love over fear, Cody. You are God’s son, bearer of his glory, loved dearly, secure in him. And you need not be afraid. Pain is real, and it will come, but you are not alone and you can bear it. Instead, choose love. Choose vulnerability, generosity, honor, and kindness. That is who you are, and who you were made to be.”