Nostalgia or Regret?
Every day for 7 years I walked the block and a half from our house to the "kiss corner." I haven't been back in 4 years.
The "kiss corner" is a small patch of grass just on the edge of our elementary school's parking lot. It's an oasis of calm and connection in the midst of the chaos and hubbub of morning drop off, and it is where we said goodbye, gave each other "bubble kisses" and parted for the day. This daily ritual grounded us. All three of my children attended this school, and our youngest went all the way from kindergarten through 5th grade. This place is woven into the fabric of our memories.
With our final move from elementary to middle school, our entire family graduated from the kiss corner 4 years ago. I have not been back.
Till last night.
On an evening stroll with my now 17-year old daughter, we paused there to pay homage to the memories and years and moments that patch of grass holds. We remembered the teachers, the bullies, the awards, and the scraped knees of her childhood. It was a moment of deep nostalgia. It was good. And then we kept walking. Now, instead of talking about field trips and recess, she's talking about colleges, careers, and global impact. While still engaged in the present conversation with her, internally I longed to linger at the kiss corner for a few more moments.
There is a big yet subtle difference between nostalgia and regret. Nostalgia remembers that which was good, sweet, and cherished. Within nostalgia is a longing to return to these moments we now recognize as the Kingdom intersecting our lives. The word nostalgia literally means "an ache to return home."
Regret also longs to return to the past, but with a far different posture. Within regret we find pain -- all the losses of opportunities missed, destructive words spoken, selfish or unwise decisions made. While nostalgia wants to relive the good past, regret wants to change it. Regret brings the unresolved pain of the past into the present while invoking shame and guilt for what was or was not, and far more, for who was or was not.
The greatest weapon against experiencing fathering regret in the future is by engaging intentionally in the present. No one is asking us to do everything right as dads. That's impossible. We will make mistakes. Regret has little to do with what you did, and far more to do with who you were.
We cannot change what or who we have been in the past. However, by engaging with intention and by healing ourselves and waking up to the true privilege of fathering now, we can transform our current and future fathering moments from potential regret into nostalgia.
Chris Bruno
Restoration Project CEO
